After my left big toe was amputated because of a staph infection fed by the diabetes, I had many many moments of fear about what to do when my toenails would need to be clipped again. I know that sounds silly, but all the literature that was given to me said that a diabetic should NEVER clip their own toenails.
I wasn't exactly on that bandwagon, but I was so scared of what might happen if I did it wrong or worse yet got an ingrown toenail. I was in a downright panic. Even as I write this the fear wants to well up in me again.
To me, I saw no point in trusting someone else with something sharp on my feet. I still have all my feeling, so I asked my wound surgeon if I could just use a fingernail file to keep my toenails groomed. He said that would be ok. He wanted me to be sure to keep the edges straight but not sharp. Ingrown toenails were to be the enemy. Don't file them too short, but don't leave them too long either.
I put off filing my toenails for as long as I could that first time after the amputation. I can't stress enough how afraid I was. There was a gaping whole in my foot where my toe used to be. It eventually filled in as it healed, but I knew exactly what the consequences would be if I screwed up on the toenail issue and got an out of control infection. That trauma of losing a toe was still very raw.
When I did file them, I had almost waited too long because my other good big toe was having a little pain and redness on the corner. I spent a couple of sleepless nights praying that I wouldn't get an ingrown toenail and have issues on the other foot too. I finally told myself to feel the fear and live through it. I just to cry, let it out and try to go on living.
I wasn't going to run to the doctor with every little twinge I felt in my feet. I know I was very hypersensitive at this point. Slowly, over time, I began to realize that filing my toenails straight and just lightly rounding the corners to eliminate sharp edges worked for me.
It's was all about regaining some sort of control. The little pain I felt on my "good big toe" as I call it was instantly relieved when I got the edges right.
Just writing about this brings the a lot of emotions to the forefront for me. I keep trying to push forward and let go of the fear, but it hangs on. Perhaps it is a little less than then, but nevertheless I still deal with it. The anxiety in the pit of my stomach tells me to expect a higher blood sugar reading when I test in a few minutes.
It's been almost six months and I'm still not over the amputation even though the wound itself has healed. There's still an emotional battle hanging on.
I'll have more to share with you. Thanks for reading.
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